In the words of Prince, We are gathered here today to get through this thing called “life”. I hope you’re doing well and flourishing. I hope you find that spark that gets you back in your groove. As I look out at some of my wilting roses, I realize the heat is not the only thing that is beating me down.
Do you ever wonder how some people can be so critical to others or say the rudest things? I often wonder about this and make a conscious effort to hold my tongue. Believe me, everyone can be nasty and mean, but we always have a choice on whether to act on that notion. But then I think about how mean I am to myself, and I suddenly want to crawl into a hole. There are probably about 3-5 times a day where I know I think I’m the worst person in the world and that nobody cares about me. I am either unworthy of this said love or incapable of having good things happen in my life. Maybe, I don’t word it that way, but it sure does imply the former.
Why do I feel this need to bully myself? I would start swinging if someone else said these things to me. Also, it bothers me when people belittle others unprovoked. I’m swift to give helpful advice to others about being positive and praying to God when they tell me they’re not feeling hopeful. But why don’t I feel I deserve just as much hope? I’ve started to think about myself as being in a relationship with, well, me. I’m now conscious of being in a relationship with myself. So, what does this mean? Well, I don’t like her, and she’s really starting to tick me off!
So, let me build a visual for you. Let’s say I’m T and this woman; we’ll call her T2. So, T is paving a path for herself through trials and tribulations. T2 is constantly badgering her with self-doubt and ridicule. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. Just tell T2 to go to hell and back off. Except, T2 tells a lot of truths, sprinkled with a lot of lies. Sometimes the truth is clouded by the lies. How can I stop believing T2 when there’s some truth there?
Managing my Self Doubt
I’m not going to preach or get on a high horse because I’m still learning that sometimes your thoughts can be your worst enemy. Yeah, revolutionary, I know. I’m not saying that therapy is not an option for those suffering from various mental health abilities. I’m only going to discuss how I’m coping with sometimes crippling self-doubt. So, how am I coping with self-doubt now? Well, realizing what my inner voice speaks to me is the first step.
Every time I tell myself something awfully negative, I immediately counteract it with something positive. Sometimes there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, at least in your own mind. That’s where intuition, education, and creativity come into play. I’ve learned that if I’m anything, I’m resourceful and creative. That’s why It’s not good to use words that reaffirm being a victim, such as can’t, won’t, never. It’s so simple, yet so hard for me to accept, especially when there are some truths to back up my negative thoughts.
Sometimes when beginning a new project or goal, you think, well, history says it’s never happened before. In this case, you have to rewrite history by changing your internal narrative. Maybe you don’t have a strong support system. It could be because what you thought was a support system was really a tether keeping you in a place that you’re outgrowing.
Now that I’ve officially called out my inner shadow side, I see it for what it is, a contradiction, hindrance, or catalyst even. Maybe the Ying/Yang theory is hitting closer to home more than I thought it could! Yin signifies the dark aspect of life, while Yang represents light. One can’t exist without the other. Being positive all the time is impossible, and it’s actually not realistic. What does this signify? Your inner thoughts need to be balanced just like in the Yin Yang theory.
At a particular stage, Yin can transform into Yang and vice versa. For example, night eventually turns into the daytime. Your thoughts will also change as life transforms your thoughts. In the end, we use our experiences to learn and grow, mutating them into something useful. I’m going to use this discovery to change the course of my happiness and start being okay with me.
It takes introspection to see yourself in more than one dimension. The first dimension of you is the outer being, your physical self, and the physical things surrounding you. The second is your conscious mind and the things that have shaped there from all your life experiences. The third being the soul, and that’s a topic for another discussion! Everyone’s life experience is different. You can’t compare your life experiences and how they shaped you to that of others. Empathy comes to mind when I think of understanding why other people operate the way they do. So, if I can have empathy for others, don’t I deserve it as well?
Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your feedback.